I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
