Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
