farters have to be the big spoon...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
