my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
