i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
