I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
