My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm