And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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