Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
