So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
