My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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