You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
