____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Randomize
