Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
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He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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