we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
