May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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