Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
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who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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