I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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