She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
