what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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