Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
