she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
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Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
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I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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