listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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