loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
