Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
