I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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