things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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