you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
