So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
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Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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