im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
