I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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