Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Floor bacon is actually really good
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
