I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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