I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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