It was confusing and full of hummus
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
