I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
