I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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