Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
