You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
