I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
