My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
