My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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