Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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