girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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