You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
