My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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