dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My life is pants optional.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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