This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
