I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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