I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just had sex on a roof
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
