I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
