Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
