I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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