I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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