I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
