census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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