Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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